My Dirty Little Secret

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Do I look like I have it all together? Does it seem like I manage things well? I’m undecided. Most days I feel like I have a pretty good handle on things, but at the same time I always feel like I’m on the edge; as if things could fall apart at any moment. Somehow, it all works out. Things get done eventually.

When people ask me, “How do you do it?” sometimes I just have to laugh. Sure, I made homemade pizza dough today, but I also just filed my 2008 taxes last week and if you open any one of my closets a whole bunch of stuff will come tumbling out. And then there’s the laundry … oh, the laundry.

I’m going to share with you all one of my dirty little secrets. I actually don’t have it together quite as much as some of you may think. It’s kind of like I’m airing my dirty laundry. Literally. Here it is:

This is what my laundry room looks like on a regular basis. Most of what you can see in the picture is clean. I just can’t manage to get it folded and put away, but I’ll let you in on another one of my secrets: my chaotic sophisticated laundry system. The beige hamper on the left is dirty laundry. The baskets all contain clean laundry sorted into separate baskets. There is one each for pants, shirts, socks and underwear, linens and jammies. I fold my and Mr. Family Nature’s clothes right out of the dryer and pile them on top.

It’s not a perfect system, I know, but it works. Mr. FN isn’t all that thrilled with my laundry system. “But we have to go downstairs every time we need clean clothes!” he says. “Umm, what’s your point, honey?” I ask. He shakes his head. I encourage him to come up with a better system. He says, “How about the clothes folded and put away in the drawers system?” One day, dear. One day.

Cupcakes for Haiti

Are you in the GTA? Do you like cupcakes? Do you want to eat cupcakes for a great cause? Then Cupcakes for Haiti is for you!

Susana Molino, aka @FoodPlayground is hosting Cupcakes for Haiti on Saturday January 23^rd 9:00 am to 1:00 pm at her home, 125 Eastwood Road. All proceeds will go to Doctors Without Borders, @MSF_canada. Coffee, juice and cupcakes will be available; cupcakes will be priced between $2 and $5.

How you can help:

a)      Making a donation of baked goods, cupcakes or something else.
b)      If you own or know of a bakery that might be willing to make a donation, please contact Susana.
c)       Go to Susana’s house on the 23^rd to buy a cupcake.
d)      All of the above.

When I asked Susana what her motivation was she said:

“I have not read or watched any news reports about Haiti, I just keep seeing the covers of the dailies. My family and I have a very deep rooted connection to Cuba, Haiti’s neighbour, and it’s just too easy to imagine the ‘what ifs’ of this having happened in Cuba. I decided to do something on Thursday, late morning, so I called one mama friend, told her I wanted to do ’something’, she said ‘whatever you do, you know you have my support’…. All funds raised will be donated to MSF/Doctors without Borders; our family are huge supporters of their work. My husband has photographed for them, on a volunteer basis, so he can vouch first hand at their legitimacy.”

Let’s help Susana with this incredible effort for a great cause.

For more information, contact Susana at 416.906.6037 or find Susana on Facebook.

All Day Kindergarten is All the Talk

This week Dalton McGuinty announced the list of schools that will be offering full day kindergarten this September and it’s been all the talk. By 2015 it is expected that all Ontario schools will offer full day kindergarten at an estimated cost of 1.5 billion dollars per year.

Most families I know are really happy about this program I can understand that. This will save many families a lot of money. I don’t begrudge them of that.

Personally, I’m not that excited about it. I don’t expect that it will affect our family. Thankfully, our school is not one of the 71 Toronto schools (almost 600 in Ontario) that will offer this program this September. So for me that means that only my youngest (who will start school in 2011) might be eligible, and she may well be out of kindergarten before our school becomes one of the ones offering it. I say thankfully because I’m glad that I won’t even have to worry about it for at least two years and perhaps not at all.

If you asked me right now, if my two kindergarten boys would go all day if they could, I’d say “no way.” Why? For many reasons but mostly because I’m a stay at home mum and 3 of my 4 kids have birthdays late in the year. So for me it seems too young for them to be away from me for that long. Also because I don’t really see that my kids will benefit from more hours at school at that age.

I don’t question the benefits of early learning. I think it’s pretty well accepted that it is beneficial. I’m just not convinced that this is the motive behind the program and I kind of feel like we’re all being lied to. Can we please just call it what it is? It’s publicly funded childcare.

The Ontario Ministry of Education’s website calls the program “part of the province’s plan to build a stronger school system and a well-educated workforce.” Really? Adding an extra 2.5 hours or so a day for four and five year olds is going to build a well-educated workforce? Come on. I have a hard time buying that (and I’d love to know on what they base this prediction).

When this topic has come up in conversation, I always hear happy parents talking about how much money they will save. I think it’s great that this will be helpful to families – I really, really do. But answer me this: aside from saving families money, what are the benefits? Are you excited about all day kindergarten? Other than potential savings, why? Do you think this is going to make your children smarter? Happier? More “well-educated”?

Please understand friends, it’s not that I think there is anything wrong with all day kindergarten. I don’t. For kids that are in childcare I don’t think it’s going to make any difference at all. For kids that aren’t, I’m sure it will be fine too. One friend pointed out to me that 2.5 hours a day in kindergarten is arbitrary and was established at a time when most families had a stay at home parent. Well, isn’t 6 hour kindergarten arbitrary too? I just feel like we’re being sold snake oil here.

Can we just say that this part of an answer to a childcare problem that we’ve been facing for ages? You know, the shortage of affordable and accessible childcare for which advocates have been lobbying the government for a solution, for years. It is part of a solution that people have been asking for, for as long as I have had kids (and much longer, I’m sure. I only started paying attention to these kinds of things after I had kids.) Why are we calling it something else?

Nine Rocky Years

The picture above is of me and Mr. Family Nature on our wedding day. (I don’t know what’s up with that picture, our faces look plastic or something – it was very cold that day – but it was the only picture of us on our wedding day that I could get my hands on quickly.) Nine years ago yesterday, Mr. FN and I eloped. We called a very few people from our immediate family the day before and said, “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? We’re getting married!” The rest of our family and friends found out via email the next day.

It was so much fun to plan a secret wedding. We kept it a secret for months before we got married. We picked out wedding bands, bought clothes: I bought a very non-traditional wedding dress that was black and purple and wore it with tall black boots. Mr. FN bought a new suit. I had been married before and we were waiting for my divorce to be finalized. I got the divorce certificate on January 5^th, we were married on the 12^th and we took possession of our newly built condo on the 19^th. Not one single person knew that we were going to get married until the day before.

The day we got married, Mr. FN went to the restaurant we ended up having dinner at that night, just to check it out and make sure we could get a reservation. Even though we’d been planning to elope for months, we didn’t know when I would get my divorce certificate so some things were pretty last minute. We were married at 4:00 (I think!) and then with nine of our closest family members we had a lovely dinner at a charming little restaurant nearby.

I never had an engagement ring, we didn’t have fancy flowers and there wasn’t a hint of white in sight and it was awesome. We didn’t want the day to be about anything but us.

On our first anniversary my sister called us to wish us a happy anniversary and we looked at each other and laughed our heads off – we had both forgotten. We’ve forgotten every year since. It seems to have become a game. This year Mr. FN ‘won’ because he remembered first. Maybe I’ll win next year.

We have had our fair share of rocky moments. Truth be told, it hasn’t always been bliss – what marriage is? But we are totally in love with each other; we have four beautiful kids and a really great life. I’ve heard people say many times that a marriage takes work, and we know firsthand that this is true. So, we trudge on; we continue to work on our marriage, be in love and enjoy our family.

Here’s to many more rocky years, Mr. FN. <3

Resolutions, A Little More Defined

So here I am, a week later, and still no resolutions. It’s not that I don’t have any; I do. I’ve just been busy with the family and I’ve been trying to sort out not only my goals for this year, but how to make these goals more concrete and achievable.

It seems that my goals and resolutions this year are very similar to my goals of previous years: get more exercise, eat better and come out at the end of this year better off financially than when the year started.  This year I’m also adding: be a more consistent blogger.

I’ve been thinking about why I never really seem to stick to my resolutions – or at least not for very long. I think it’s because I never really have a plan, I never have anything more than wistful thoughts and good intentions. I’m going to change that this year.

My first goal is to work out an exercise routine. My challenges are these: 4 kids, a busy schedule, a husband that, in addition to working a pretty regular work week, also often has evening and weekend appointments, absolutely no funds in the budget for exercise (for a gym membership, yoga classes, martial arts classes, Wii fit plus – all of which I would love!) and it’s freezing outside, so outdoor activities aren’t appealing to me right now. What I DO have is: a treadmill, a (very old) exercise bike, weights and various other small home fitness accessories, a supportive husband and exercise DVDs. My goal is 30 minutes of exercise at least 3 times a week.

How do I make this work? My biggest challenge is definitely finding the time. By the time the kids are all sleeping it’s usually 9:00 and I just have nothing left. Getting motivated at this time of day is virtually impossible for me. I’ve been thinking of getting up early to exercise, but the thought of this is just so downright exhausting and I already feel completely sleep deprived. I’m still sorting the timing out but I know this much: I have to schedule exercise into my calendar otherwise it just won’t happen; and this I’m still working on. I’d love to hear what other mums do for exercise and how it is fit into their schedules.

Details on eating better and financial goals are still to come – one thing at a time.

On Reflecting, Resolutions and Pulling it All Together

The end of the year and the beginning of a new one always makes me think. Like everyone else at this time of year I’m reflecting. Last night Mr. Family Nature and I sat down after the kids were in bed and talked about the year behind us and the one that lies ahead. That is, until the baby woke up.

The baby woke up about 5 minutes after we sat down and she stayed awake until we went to bed. So we did our best and jotted down some of our accomplishments from last year and some of our goals/resolutions for this year. To say the least, it is very incomplete. It’s a work in progress, I tell myself. We’ll try again tonight, I say.

Last night’s scenario sums up very well what our life is like. We have plans, good intentions, and goals. They all seem to go awry somehow. There are so many distractions, so little time. It makes me wonder how anyone with kids ever follows through on resolutions. Is it just me?

Last night we ended up sitting on the couch with our sleepy little girl. Her cheeks were rosy and warm and her big hazel eyes looking up at us made us want to melt right there. Resolutions can wait, I tell myself. We’re enjoying our little girl, I say.

The resolutions remind me of my life: half finished; to be completed another time; late, like everything else in my life. *Sigh* Sometimes I just feel like I cannot pull it all together.

I will finish those resolutions and when I do I’ll share them here.

The Big Blow-Up

I have belonged to an online mother’s group for about 6 years. Over this time the group has met in person off and on; at times we’d meet weekly for a while, at other times we’d get together for a potluck but through all of that it was, and still is, a very active on-line community. That group of mums were a huge support system. They helped reinforced my attachment style and let me know there were other families like ours out there – a lot of other families like ours. I learned more from this group of mamas than any other source. I was given support on every topic that I ever needed: breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, tandem nursing, nursing while pregnant, co-sleeping, VBAC, coping with birth trauma, the death of a loved one and all kinds of other advice, parenting or otherwise. This group was a lifeline for me.

My kids are getting older. My oldest just turned 8 and my youngest just turned 2. Slowly but surely my need for this mums group has been fading. I no longer have a great need for support in the same way that I did when I was a new mum. My needs in this regard have changed; instead of breastfeeding and babywearing advice I’m looking for advice and support for issues that I face with my older kids: school issues, positive discipline, and dealing with peer pressure, video games and other older kids stuff. So I feel like I’ve been growing apart from my mum’s group for a while now but I’ve had a hard time letting go of this group of mums. A few I know well in real life but most are just on-line friends. Even though the mum’s group discussions generally surround baby-years stuff, I still looked forward to “seeing” the mums on-line.

Last month, there was a big blow-up on the mum’s group. While people remained civil and sort of respectful the topic was so gross that I just couldn’t take it. Something came up that was so irreconcilable, so outrageously offensive to me that I left the group. Thinking about this blow-up kept me up at night, was on my mind every waking moment and had me ranting and raving to Mr. FN like a lunatic.

I consider myself a person who is open to just about anything. I try to be respectful of other people’s beliefs and above all try to always keep in mind that what works for me does not work for everyone. People do what works for them, what feels right for them, what works for their family; I call it their family nature. But some things just go too far.

Here it is: the idea that we attract negative energy; the idea that we invite chaos into our lives; the idea that we all have the power to heal ourselves of anything.

I think a positive attitude goes a long way. Generally speaking, if you’re a good person, with a positive outlook, you’re going to be happier that a person who is negative all the time. I get that. It makes perfect sense.

Can I manifest a pen with positive energy? I don’t believe that I can. Can I manifest a life partner? Nope, not me. Can I manifest wealth and prosperity? I doubt it.

Can I attract disease? Can I invite violent crimes upon myself? Can I, with positive energy and enough belief, cure myself of a birth defect? No way, no how, no frackin’ way.

If you believe these things, then that’s okay with me. Some people with these beliefs are wonderful, happy people and I think that’s awesome. I think it’s fabulous that you think you can cure yourself of any ailment. I think it’s great that you don’t have any regrets because everything is an opportunity to examine yourself. I think it’s wonderful that you are a positive person. I am not being sarcastic, I’m really glad this works for you.

Where it all ends for me is when people tell me that I can cure myself of any ailment; that I created the experience of a horrendous assault and invited it into my life; that any person has the means to heal themselves of anything. No thanks, it’s not for me.

What’s arguably worse than that is the idea that because I don’t share these beliefs, I am somehow a lesser person. I can’t heal myself because I don’t believe that I can. It supposes a superiority that I can never achieve because I do not share these beliefs. I am less evolved; I am less enlightened because I do not believe this. I have not yet achieved some higher status; I am on a lower path.

I don’t really know enough about The Secret, Abraham Hicks, and Buddhism to make any judgement about them. For me, it is more about certain people’s interpretations of these and their need to convert the rest of us.

So that’s it. That’s why I left the group. I could not post on that list knowing that if I needed support for something, that a handful of mums would be thinking that I invited negativity into my life; if I had some kind of health issue, that some would think that I just don’t believe enough to heal myself, or that I brought it on myself; that if I was having a hard time with something it was my own fault. Even though it is only a few people who think this way, it changes the whole group; it is no longer a supportive group for me.

Its okay, on to bigger and better things, I say. Together with another mum from that group, I started a new mum’s group. It has some mums from that old list (quite a few mums that left that old list, and some who are on both), plus a bunch of other mums. It is a group that focuses more on kids of all ages, not just babies.

But, of course, there were a couple of people who thought it was mean for me to start a new group. Someone felt the need speak up and say that a new group was unkind. Glaring obvious to me is that this person did not feel the need to speak up on the list when a whole bunch of people were REALLY upset and offended about the kinds of things that were being said and when the people who were saying these awful things just wouldn’t stop. But my new group is mean. Really? Mean and unkind for starting a new group because the old group wasn’t working for me anymore? Mean and unkind for starting a new mothers group among the millions of other mother’s groups out there? Mean and unkind for starting a new group which anyone is free to join?

*Sigh* I guess sometimes you just can’t win. I’m moving on.

Photo by kevindooley via flickr.

Parenting Advice Top 5

I’ve been invited to a baby shower this weekend. The mum-to-be has asked for good advice and at first I was at a loss. I make it a habit NOT to give unsolicited parenting advice and it seems to me that people don’t ask for it all that often. So after some thought, here’s what I came up with.

1. Keep an open mind. Never say never. There were a whole bunch of things I swore I’d never do before I became a parent – most of them went out the window when the actual child was here.
2. Learn to accept help with no strings attached.
3. Forgive. Know from the start that you are going to make mistakes. Forgive yourself and understand that parenting is a life-long journey with bumps along the way. Don’t beat yourself up for making the occasional miss-step. Learn, adapt and move on.
4. Don’t see your child as a possession to be managed. See them as the little people that they are. Accept them for who they are. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
5. Go with your gut. Don’t follow advice – regardless of how “good” the source is – if in your heart it feels wrong.

What parenting advice would you give?

Some Happy Birthday Thoughts

It was my birthday this week, I’m 36 years old. It was mostly a regular day: shuffling the kids off to school, picking them up, making lunch, tidying, refereeing – the usual. We ended the day at a nearby family friendly restaurant which was such a treat because we don’t go out for dinner very often. While we were finishing our meal my husband said to me, “You didn’t happen to make yourself a birthday cake today, did you honey?” No, no I didn’t. I also didn’t get the iPod touch I was secretly hoping for. It’s okay though.

What I did get is a lovely bunch of flowers that is sitting on the table. If I knew anything about flowers I’d tell you what they all are, but I don’t. So I’ll just say they are a beautiful mix of different white flowers, some green stuff and a couple of bright pink flowers mixed in for fun. I also got a nice box of Belgian chocolates that disappeared oh-so-quickly. On top of that I got lots of slobbery kisses, hugs and heard countless times cute little voices saying “Happy birthday mummy” and “I love you.” I really can’t complain.

I’ve been thinking about my birthday and what it means to be a year older. Meh. I’m not bothered by my age; I don’t lie about my age. I did comment to Mr. FN that I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30, but I won’t spend time fretting about something over which I have no control. What I can do is think about the past year and what might come in the year ahead.

The past year has been a tough one in some ways. Just over a year ago we moved into a new house (selling our old house, packing, moving and unpacking with four young kids is not fun); we worked on and recharged a marriage that was weighed down with stress; we’ve had financial ups and downs; we learned to budget and live within our means; and we changed schools all while dealing with the normal hectic life that a family of six leads.

This past year has also been a good one for many of the same reasons. We spent the summer lazing around in our huge back yard; our marriage is strong and Mr. Family Nature and I are happier than ever; we learned to budget and live within our means AND we did this without feeling like we have all that much less than we did before; we’re spending (or not spending) smarter. We know that having material things doesn’t necessarily contribute to our happiness. We’re also at an amazing new school that is so well suited to our parenting style and that the kids love.

Through all of bumps in the road this past year, I don’t think there has been a day gone by that I didn’t laugh out loud – a real belly, tip your head back kind of laugh. Even the days when I felt like the stress of it all was too much, when I felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest and butterflies in my stomach that just wouldn’t go away, I would go to bed so incredibly appreciative. At times I’d feel so consumed with anxiety but still happy. If nothing else this past year has made me intensely aware and grateful for my family, my friends and all the good things that we have.

I’ve been pondering my goals for the upcoming year and they are simmering away in my brain – sometimes at the front of my mind and sometimes in the back, but they’re there.  I can’t quite put them into words just yet but it is something I’ll do before the end of the year.

In the meantime, I’ll be secretly hoping for an iPod touch for Christmas (come on, the refurbished ones start at $169 with free shipping!). If I don’t get one, it’ll be okay; I’m sure there will be lots of slobbery kisses and other good stuff.

Back Soon!

I’ve been rather absent, I know. Since school started it’s been tough to find the time to blog. The good news is, things should ease up a bit in a month or so and hopefully I can be more consistent about posting again. In the meantime, a quick update.

Last week my hard drive died. My husband and I have matching laptops. The only difference between the two of them is that mine is pink and his is purple. Right now I’m using Mr. Famiy Nature’s computer but he takes it to work with him, so it leaves me with little time to keep up with on-line goings on. I’ve been reading emails on my teeny tiny little Blackberry screen and let me tell you, it’s hard on the eyes. I misread an email the other day, responded and then realized that I’d make a complete fool of myself. I could dust off my old desktop in the basement but the thing is so old that it takes forever to even start up and the monitor constantly flickers (also very hard on the eyes).

My hard drive is, unfortunately, totally fried. The good news is, the computer is less than a year old, so I have a brand spankin’ new hard drive on it’s way to me right now. The bad news is, that I never once backed up anything on my computer, so it is all lost. My files, all my blog posts (which is okay ’cause they are on my blog), also my draft blog posts (of which there were several) and all my pictures, all gone. Frack. Lesson learned I suppose: back up my computer. So, number one on my to do list next week? Look into back up options.

I’ve also been processing and thinking through a big fight that happened on an on-line mum’s group I’ve been a part of for the last six years. I have much to say about it and will post about it soon. When I think about writing about it, in my head it sounds ridiculous and catty; we’ll see how it comes out. For me, it was the end of a community that has been a huge parenting support to me, especially during the beginning when I didn’t know a whole lot of people who were breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping and being attached. At the end of it I feel like I broke up with an old boyfriend; we’ve been growing apart for a while now, but it still feels weird just the same.

Thanks for reading friends. I’ll be back soon.