I’ve been invited to a baby shower this weekend. The mum-to-be has asked for good advice and at first I was at a loss. I make it a habit NOT to give unsolicited parenting advice and it seems to me that people don’t ask for it all that often. So after some thought, here’s what I came up with.

1. Keep an open mind. Never say never. There were a whole bunch of things I swore I’d never do before I became a parent – most of them went out the window when the actual child was here.
2. Learn to accept help with no strings attached.
3. Forgive. Know from the start that you are going to make mistakes. Forgive yourself and understand that parenting is a life-long journey with bumps along the way. Don’t beat yourself up for making the occasional miss-step. Learn, adapt and move on.
4. Don’t see your child as a possession to be managed. See them as the little people that they are. Accept them for who they are. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
5. Go with your gut. Don’t follow advice – regardless of how “good” the source is – if in your heart it feels wrong.

What parenting advice would you give?

It was my birthday this week, I’m 36 years old. It was mostly a regular day: shuffling the kids off to school, picking them up, making lunch, tidying, refereeing – the usual. We ended the day at a nearby family friendly restaurant which was such a treat because we don’t go out for dinner very often. While we were finishing our meal my husband said to me, “You didn’t happen to make yourself a birthday cake today, did you honey?” No, no I didn’t. I also didn’t get the iPod touch I was secretly hoping for. It’s okay though.

What I did get is a lovely bunch of flowers that is sitting on the table. If I knew anything about flowers I’d tell you what they all are, but I don’t. So I’ll just say they are a beautiful mix of different white flowers, some green stuff and a couple of bright pink flowers mixed in for fun. I also got a nice box of Belgian chocolates that disappeared oh-so-quickly. On top of that I got lots of slobbery kisses, hugs and heard countless times cute little voices saying “Happy birthday mummy” and “I love you.” I really can’t complain.

I’ve been thinking about my birthday and what it means to be a year older. Meh. I’m not bothered by my age; I don’t lie about my age. I did comment to Mr. FN that I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30, but I won’t spend time fretting about something over which I have no control. What I can do is think about the past year and what might come in the year ahead.

The past year has been a tough one in some ways. Just over a year ago we moved into a new house (selling our old house, packing, moving and unpacking with four young kids is not fun); we worked on and recharged a marriage that was weighed down with stress; we’ve had financial ups and downs; we learned to budget and live within our means; and we changed schools all while dealing with the normal hectic life that a family of six leads.

This past year has also been a good one for many of the same reasons. We spent the summer lazing around in our huge back yard; our marriage is strong and Mr. Family Nature and I are happier than ever; we learned to budget and live within our means AND we did this without feeling like we have all that much less than we did before; we’re spending (or not spending) smarter. We know that having material things doesn’t necessarily contribute to our happiness. We’re also at an amazing new school that is so well suited to our parenting style and that the kids love.

Through all of bumps in the road this past year, I don’t think there has been a day gone by that I didn’t laugh out loud – a real belly, tip your head back kind of laugh. Even the days when I felt like the stress of it all was too much, when I felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest and butterflies in my stomach that just wouldn’t go away, I would go to bed so incredibly appreciative. At times I’d feel so consumed with anxiety but still happy. If nothing else this past year has made me intensely aware and grateful for my family, my friends and all the good things that we have.

I’ve been pondering my goals for the upcoming year and they are simmering away in my brain – sometimes at the front of my mind and sometimes in the back, but they’re there.  I can’t quite put them into words just yet but it is something I’ll do before the end of the year.

In the meantime, I’ll be secretly hoping for an iPod touch for Christmas (come on, the refurbished ones start at $169 with free shipping!). If I don’t get one, it’ll be okay; I’m sure there will be lots of slobbery kisses and other good stuff.

I’ve been rather absent, I know. Since school started it’s been tough to find the time to blog. The good news is, things should ease up a bit in a month or so and hopefully I can be more consistent about posting again. In the meantime, a quick update.

Last week my hard drive died. My husband and I have matching laptops. The only difference between the two of them is that mine is pink and his is purple. Right now I’m using Mr. Famiy Nature’s computer but he takes it to work with him, so it leaves me with little time to keep up with on-line goings on. I’ve been reading emails on my teeny tiny little Blackberry screen and let me tell you, it’s hard on the eyes. I misread an email the other day, responded and then realized that I’d make a complete fool of myself. I could dust off my old desktop in the basement but the thing is so old that it takes forever to even start up and the monitor constantly flickers (also very hard on the eyes).

My hard drive is, unfortunately, totally fried. The good news is, the computer is less than a year old, so I have a brand spankin’ new hard drive on it’s way to me right now. The bad news is, that I never once backed up anything on my computer, so it is all lost. My files, all my blog posts (which is okay ’cause they are on my blog), also my draft blog posts (of which there were several) and all my pictures, all gone. Frack. Lesson learned I suppose: back up my computer. So, number one on my to do list next week? Look into back up options.

I’ve also been processing and thinking through a big fight that happened on an on-line mum’s group I’ve been a part of for the last six years. I have much to say about it and will post about it soon. When I think about writing about it, in my head it sounds ridiculous and catty; we’ll see how it comes out. For me, it was the end of a community that has been a huge parenting support to me, especially during the beginning when I didn’t know a whole lot of people who were breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping and being attached. At the end of it I feel like I broke up with an old boyfriend; we’ve been growing apart for a while now, but it still feels weird just the same.

Thanks for reading friends. I’ll be back soon.

We found out the Friday before school started that my three school aged boys got into the highly coveted new alternative school that opened this September in Toronto. The school takes a more holistic approach to education. We’re almost two months into school and so far we love it. I’ve wanted to write about it but two things have kept me from doing so: 1) I’ve kind of been waiting for something bad to happen. I’d wanted my kids to get into this school so badly. For a while there I thought we’d never get in, but in the end things worked out so well for us. I wanted to wait to make sure this all wasn’t too good to be true. 2) I have found it difficult to put into words what the school is all about and exactly what I love about it. So, with the help of a few quotes from the school’s website, here goes.

“In a society facing complex cultural, environmental, economic, political, health and scarcity issues, the same ways of approaching problems will no longer suffice. What will be required is a new set of aptitudes that include imagination, inventiveness, collaboration, openness, adaptability and flexibility. Education has always played a fundamental role in preparing our children to become engaged citizens of the world and there is no better way to make change happen than to begin rethinking how we teach and engage our future generations.”

On the very first day there were two things that stood out to me. Firstly, all the teachers go by their first names. I think it helps to make the kids feel like they are on equal ground. It is more indicative of a nurturing relationship. The teacher is still recognized as the teacher but in balancing out the power in the relationship a little, the kids can feel more comfortable speaking up and being the little people that they are. Perhaps in using more familiar terms there is a greater element of trust.

Secondly, the school lay-out is very open concept. The kindergartens have two classrooms: a regular ol’ indoor kindergarten classroom and an outdoor classroom. The outdoor classroom – where the kids have spent the majority of their time so far – is wonderful! The kids use wooden cable spools as tables and tree stumps as stools. There is a nature table which houses – you guessed it – things from nature! It became home for a day to a bucket of snails from our garden and has also been adorned with leaves, pinecones and all sorts of other things that my kids and others have picked up on the way to school. There is large space in which the kids can do an activity, play with toys or run around freely. Circle time is spent underneath a shady tree with blankets and “sit-upons” (a circular spongy place for the kids to sit and keep their bums dry!).

“One of [the school’s] principles is developing the body-mind connection through movement and awareness techniques, and yoga is one of the many activities practiced.”

The indoor classrooms aren’t really regular ol’ classrooms. When you first walk into the school’s main area you find yourself in a large open space. This space is used for yoga and the weekly craft circle, among other things. What was once an unsightly pillar with some sort of switches on it is now a beautiful tree (with a secret little door that opens up to reveal the now hidden switches.) The individual classrooms, although separate from each other, are very open and do not have doors on them. They are filled with things like wooden toys, modeling beeswax and are set up in such a way that they are far less stuffy and formal than the average classroom.

“Holistic education engages the head, heart, hands and spirit of the child. It is a curriculum that makes connections – community, earth, soul, subject and mind-and-body connections – and it develops intuition and inquiry.”

So far this year, things have gone very smoothly, considering it is a new school and the first of its kind. As I sit here writing I pause and look over at my almost 8 year old, grade 3 son. He’s sitting on the couch finger knitting; a new skill that he learned at school. In addition to finger knitting, they’ve made knitting needles and hand sewn bags. They will eventually be using the knitting needles they’ve made to learn to knit. All of these things happen once a week at craft circle. The children get to know the other grades as they all come together and work on craft projects.

The school also takes weekly walks/hikes/trips. The kindergartens have been to the pumpkin patch, but they mostly stay close to the school. They either go to the local library, a local park, or a nearby ravine. They explore nature and learn about the surrounding community in a fun and engaging way.

The older kids have gone on trips to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch (the pumpkin patch was a trip in which the entire school participated). They also go for walks locally and other places like the Humber River to see the salmon run and to the Leslie Street Spit.

“[The school] will achieve academic excellence through an arts-integrated and experiential-learning curriculum. Our approach addresses the whole child and promotes the development of healthy, responsible, inquisitive, creative human beings.”

This week I was welcomed into the classroom to bake with the kids. It was a really nice experience. My 2 year old daughter came with me and toddled around while a few of the grade 3 girls doted on her every move. Some kids were really keen on baking, some were moderately interested and some just didn’t care much for it at all. The kids were all welcome to participate as much or as little as they wanted. The teacher and I supervised and helped when needed; the kids read the recipe, measured the ingredients and mixed everything together. While it was chaotic at times, for the most part it was a somewhat organized chaos. I think everyone had fun. The pumpkin muffins were a little less than perfect. There was an extra tablespoon or two of this ingredient, a little less of that ingredient and one ingredient that I’d forgotten altogether (the teacher and I laughed about how it was a little like a Bake-Off/Taste Test from an episode of Just Like Mom!) but it was the experience that mattered most. To the kids the pumpkin muffins tasted great.

As we go through the year there will no doubt be bumps along the road. Not everything is perfect and there are resources that will take years to build, but there is a vision, and I like what that vision looks like.

“Ron Miller, one of the major thinkers and contributors to the field of holistic education, explains that: ‘holistic education is an effort to cultivate the development of the whole human being. Where conventional schooling views the child as a passive receiver of information and rules, or at most as a computer-like processor of information, a holistic approach recognizes that to become a full person, a growing child needs to develop – in addition to intellectual skills – physical, psychological, emotional, interpersonal, moral and spirited potentials. The child is not merely a future citizen or employee in training, but an intricate and delicate web of vital forces and environmental influences.’”

Photo by re-Verse via Flickr.

When it comes to parenting, there are the things that come naturally. Then, there are a few things that don’t. One thing I find particularly tricky sometimes and positive discipline. It’s not that I think that positive discipline doesn’t come naturally, I think it does. It’s logical and feels like the right thing to do; I guess it just doesn’t always come easily.

Breastfeeding, babywearing and co-sleeping, these things come easily. Oh I know, they each come with their own challenges but what I mean is that they never make me feel at odds with my emotions. Discipline, on the other hand, becomes hard when my own emotions are out of control: when I’m angry, when I’m frustrated or when I’m just at my wit’s end. It’s hard to think straight with a hysterical kid (or two, or four!)

I think about discipline all the time because I find it’s one of those things that sounds great in theory, but can be difficult to put into practice: discipline, positive discipline, consequences vs. punishment, using my power (as a parent; as a larger person) to make my kids do what I want vs. teaching them the right thing to do.

Here are my thoughts on positive discipline with a disclaimer: this is what I do in ideal situations; this is what I think about when all the kids are sleeping:

I don’t spank.

For the longest time I’d hear AP types say that time outs aren’t great; that ‘time ins’ are better. I’d always think “what the hell is a time in!” or I’d think “well, they can use time ins for their kids but I don’t want unruly kids!” Of course I realize now these statements are silly. I think a lot of people confuse positive discipline with NO discipline. I didn’t relay get it (why time outs might not be so great) until I read Barbara Coloroso’s Kids are Worth it. And then I totally got it – it was like a light bulb going off. Then the challenge became: now what do I do?

I use time-outs when I need a time out (when I’ve lost my temper and am so mad that I don’t know what to do; or when I just need to cool off) or when I need to restore calm when everyone is screaming/crying: you go sit on that chair, you go to your room, you go sit on the stairs; then I can talk to each one without another kid interrupting. I’m not really crazy about time outs – honestly I’m not, but I find most parenting books that are against time outs don’t really have any ideas; or at least not ideas that I like or that work for me. So I use them as a last resort. I don’t think time-outs are the worst thing in the world, for sure; and I certainly wouldn’t say that they are necessarily damaging, I just think that they don’t really make all that much sense, they don’t really work, and there are better ways.

A note about time outs as a punishment for temper tantrums: it has been my experience that when my kids are hysterical a time out is the worst thing I can do for them. They are not able to ‘think about what they’ve done’, all they know is that they are having a time out and they will do or say anything to get out of it – and what does this accomplish? It accomplishes nothing as far as I’m concerned.

Son-S (he’s three) in particular used to have (and still has sometimes) crazy temper tantrums and I found the best way to deal with them hands-down is to pick him up, give him a hug, console him and help him calm down. There is no way I could talk to him, reason with him or otherwise teach him anything when his is hysterical. I truly believe that when kids are having tantrums it is an awful feeling for them. They don’t want to have a tantrum. They aren’t manipulating their parents. They honestly and truly lack the skills to deal with their emotions and what they need most is our help. I really think that they can’t help themselves.

When I’m having a hard time with one of the kids, I try not to make threats that are strictly punitive. So I don’t say “Either put your shoes on or I’ll take away your favourite toy.” A favourite toy has nothing to do with putting shoes on. I will say something like “If you don’t put your shoes on, we can’t go to the park” because these two are directly related and we literally cannot go to the park if kids aren’t wearing shoes.

I hate threats and I don’t ever threaten any punishment that will affect the other kids “Do XXXX or we’re going home right now!” or “We’re not going to come to Grandma’s house anymore if you can’t behave” Of course we’re going to come to Grandma’s house again – this kind of punishment drives me crazy! Besides, these types of punishments would punish me and the other kids too. The only time I make exceptions is when safety becomes an issue: “if you keep running into the parking lot we’re not going to be able to come to this park anymore because it’s not safe.”

I also don’t believe in taking toys/TV/games away as a punishment. I honestly don’t believe this works. When a kid is sad because they’ve lost their favourite toy, hours or even days after the initial punishment, I don’t think they really make the connection between it and whatever they did to be punished, know what I mean? They don’t stop and think in the heat of the moment “oh, I’d better not hit my brother because last time I lost TV for 2 days and I felt really sad about it” No WAY are they thinking that! And even if they were, this kind of punishment is teaching them “oh I’d better not hit my brother because I will lose my TV privileges” instead of “I shouldn’t hit my brother because it is wrong and it hurts him.” Again the only exception is if, for example, someone is using a hockey stick to hit another kid. I would take the hockey stick away if they continued to hit but in my mind this is a consequence, not a punishment.

Another example (this happened recently) is this: Son-S spilled dry cereal all over the floor and was stepping on it with his bare feet making a huge mess. I kept my cool and just told him that he had to clean it up. As far as I’m concerned there is no point in yelling at him, or sending him to his room; he is dealing with the direct consequences of his actions: he is cleaning up the mess he has made.

I try (and sometimes this is really hard) to give the kids leeway when I can. They want to wear socks and shoes on the hottest day of the summer (instead of sandals), well, who cares? They want to grow their hair, get a mohawk, wear their clothes inside out, whatever – I really like to let them have little victories sometimes. So when they ask me something and my immediate response is “no”, I have to stop and think about why I am saying no. If I can’t really think of a good reason to say no, then I say yes.

I try to talk to the kids about why. Why shouldn’t they hit their brothers/sister, why can’t they eat candy all day, why can’t they watch TV all day, why don’t I like talking back/sauciness (and how people think differently of me and them when they hear them talking like this). I find this is often the best way of getting through to them – much more effective than some arbitrary punishment!

I guess I just don’t think that anything punitive really makes much sense. I think this way of thinking comes from a time when kids “speak when spoken to” and do what they’re told “because I said so”. These things are about control and fear. I want my kids to learn not be controlled.

These are things that I am constantly working on. Mr. Family Nature and I regularly talk about discipline and strategies to help us control our anger. One tip we learned was to take the blame out of the situation. If you remove blame (blaming the kids, blaming the parents, whatever) then you’re left with a teaching situation, rather than a situation in which you are trying to control behaviour or impose power.

Another tip that I try to remember (even in the heat of the moment) is that if we can take anger out of a situation … wait, that’s not quite right. It’s okay to be angry but it’s also important to recognize that you are angry and make a conscious effort NOT to make any decisions based on anger. I think spanking is done out of anger, a parent’s own anger. Does is actually prevent or correct behaviour? No, I think it’s been proven again and again that it doesn’t work.

I think about this a lot. I wish I could practice what I preach every time – I don’t always. There are many, many times at the end of the day, when I reflect on what an utter failure I’ve been that day because almost all of my discipline ideals went out the window. This is all good theory but it’s not always easy to put into practice. So these are my discipline ideals and what I’m always working toward. I do yell, I do get angry, I do use time-outs sometimes but I’m always thinking and striving to be better.

The vast majority of parenting choices my husband and I make come from our gut. They feel natural to us. Indeed, this is what the name Family Nature means to me; when it comes to our family and our parenting style we do what comes naturally to us. I think of this as our family nature.

Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t easy initially with my first, but we eventually figured it out and never looked back. In the past (almost) nine years I have been either pregnant, breastfeeding (sometimes tandem breastfeeding) or both. There were times when it wasn’t fun but I never regretted breastfeeding. In fact, when I look back to my eldest’s first eight weeks it is a complete blur; I honestly and truly do not know how we all managed but I know one thing for sure: I am so unbelievably glad that I didn’t quit. I know for certain that it was the right, and most natural thing to do. Even without all the research and statistics about breastfeeding I knew that it was the best for both me and the babes.

The next thing that fell into place was co-sleeping. As an anthropology student I had heard of Dr. James McKenna long before I had kids. My husband also knew all about co-sleeping before any of our kids were born. So sure enough, when the first babe came along, it just seemed natural to have him sleep with us. I couldn’t even imagine the thought of him in another room; it just seemed so backwards and wrong. My instincts and my gut told me that he should be with us and they were right. I think co-sleeping is one of those secrets of parenthood – lots of people do it, not everybody admits it, but those who do it love it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up to gurgley coos and lopsided smiles. There is an absolute comfort that comes with a sleeping babe beside me; the sound of his breath like a lullaby to put me to sleep, the warmth of his body like a little furnace keeping us warm and the baby smell of him making me feel high. I know in my heart and in my my soul that my babies belong beside me at night.

I didn’t get the hang of babywearing for a few months but I think that it’s just another one of those things that naturally fell into place. My babies (and toddlers) were all so easily comforted in a carrier. They could be close as I did chores around the house, walked the older kids to school or picked up groceries. They nursed contently and had all of their need met so easily and naturally right there attached to me.

Other things also fell into place. I have done my fair share of reading but in the end it usually just confirmed the things that we were already doing. I learned pretty quickly that although there are some really awesome parenting experts and resources out there, there are also a lot of people with opinions and ‘advice’ that seemed so outrageous to me; just because you have a parenting book with your name on the cover that does not make you a parenting ‘expert’. I read something recently on The Happiest Mom blog that summed it up nicely. In her post the mother you need to be Meagan Francis writes, “I no longer even look at books or websites that seem completely at odds with what I believe in my heart to be true about myself and my children.” I read this nodding furiously. Yes! I think we rely too heavily on the advice of paediatricians, parenting ‘experts’, books and such for things that our own hearts and minds will tell us if we just listen.

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing –some say these are the hallmarks of attachment parenting. To me these are the simple, normal ways of parenting. These things come naturally to me and I’ve never second-guessed myself about these things. I just wish all aspects of parenting were this simple.

I have three boys and a baby girl and I’ve heard all kinds of comments about it. When I was pregnant with my fourth people were always saying things like “three boys, oh you poor woman!” or “oh, I bet you’re dying for a girl!” and “are you going for a girl?” and even things like, “oh man, I hope you don’t have another boy!” These types of comments drove me crazy.

Last night, my five year old, Son-F, said to me, “Mummy, when baby-M was in your tummy, did you want a girl?” I explained that I wanted whatever was inside and no matter what we all would have loved the baby. It sure is fun to have a girl, isn’t it? But wouldn’t it have been crazy fun to have four boys? He thought about this for a moment and then said, “Ya but Mum, didn’t you *say* that you wanted a girl?” No I never, ever said that. I always said that I’d be happy either way. We weren’t ‘trying for a girl’; we would have had four kids either way. If you ask me today if I’m glad I had a girl, of course my answer is yes, but wasn’t until I knew she was a girl that I felt like I really wanted a girl. Before that I would have been thrilled with four boys.

I have often contemplated the effect on my boys (and all boys) of hearing “oh all those boys, you poor thing” or “boys will be boys” or “thank goodness it’s a girl this time!” and other negative boy comments over and over and over again. What do boys think when they hear these comments day in and day out? Is “boys will be boys” a self-fulfilling prophecy? Are boys the way they are because it is what people expect of them? What message are we sending them?

It kind of makes me sad to think that Son-F thinks I wanted a girl. Not because there is anything wrong with wanting a girl, but because most of the people who made comments to me about me wanting a girl were really saying “because Lord knows, you don’t want another boy.” Does Son-F think that I didn’t want a boy? Does he think that I think that boys are “trouble”? Does he wonder if I wished he was a girl? Oh probably not, but it still bugs me.

There’s no denying that boys and girls are different, but I don’t ever want my boys to think that there is something ‘wrong’ with boys or that they are wanted any less than girls. So, the next time you find yourself about to make a comment about boys, think about who is listening and bite your tongue.

Photo by flash_nerd via Flickr.

My three – almost four – year old started school this September. Son-S is allergic to dairy, eggs, bananas and tree nuts. The school takes his allergies very seriously; at the beginning of the school year we sat down to work out a plan for Son-S. Despite the fact that I made clear that I did not expect the school to ban all of Son-S’s allergens in the classroom, the school had decided to do so. In addition to his allergens there are several other ones in the class. Parents have been asked not to send any foods that contain the following:  dairy, eggs, bananas, tree nuts, peanuts, soy, sesame, flaxseed, kiwi, chicken and bacon.

Part of me wants to run up to the school staff and give everyone a big squeezy hug for taking these allergies so seriously. It really is a crapshoot with schools it seems; some schools are very lax about allergies; sometimes they just don’t seem to get it. So, on the one hand I’m very grateful. On the other hand, I’m not sure this is the way to go. Here’s why I think food bans aren’t necessarily in the everyone’s best interests.

Bans can be Very Limiting

Take for example, my son’s class; the following foods have been banned: dairy, eggs, bananas, tree nuts, peanuts, soy, sesame, flaxseed, kiwi, chicken and bacon. That’s quite a list, isn’t it? It doesn’t leave much except fruits and vegetables and plain bread or crackers. Now I should point out, that this is just a 2 ½ hour program, so we’re just talking about a morning snack here but still, kids can be picky eaters so some families might find this tricky.

Food Bans are Difficult to Enforce

Food Bans are not an easy thing. How does one enforce a food ban? Will someone be checking kids’ snacks? How will anyone know if crackers contain dairy or eggs? How will anyone know if there are ground sesame seeds or flaxseed in bread? Reading labels and avoiding allergens is a challenge even for seasoned allergy parents – I know we’ve made mistakes before. I don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect all parents to be able to do this and there is no real way to enforce it. A reliable food ban is virtually impossible.

They Can Create a False Sense of Security

Food bans can lead to a false sense of security. Since all of the allergens are banned, people let their guards down; they think that they don’t have to worry about food allergies anymore. Wrong. As a parent of an anaphylactic kid, what I think is most important for people to know is how to recognize and treat an anaphylaxis emergency. I think these lose a sense of urgency when allergic foods are banned.

No Anaphylaxis/Allergy Organization Thinks Food Bans are a Good idea

Try to find one Ananphylaxis/Allergy Organization that supports food bans – you won’t be able to (and let me know if you do). I’ve never seen or heard of any organization that suggests or supports food bans. The Anaphylaxis Campaign sums it up nicely:

“Some schools choose to enforce ‘nut bans’, where it is forbidden for any pupil to bring the problem food to school. However, without wishing to undermine the good intentions of any school taking this approach, The Anaphylaxis Campaign believes there are several pitfalls in this approach. It would be impossible to provide an absolute nut-free guarantee so the danger is that allergic children may be led into a false sense of security. There is a strong case for arguing that food-allergic children will gain a better awareness of their allergies, and learn avoidance strategies, if they move in an environment where allergens may turn up unexpectedly.”

See what other organizations have to say:

• Anaphylaxis Canada
• Allergy/Asthma Information Association
• The Ausralasian Society of Clinical Immunology and Allergy
• Allergy Safe Communities
• Allergy New Zealand

Backlash

When Son-S was at Nursery School, they had the same approach – they banned all the allergens. There were at least a few parents who did not like this. I overheard once, and heard ‘through the grapevine’ about others who couldn’t wait for Son-S to ‘graduate’ from nursery school so that food could go back to “the way it was”. It is a really crappy feeling knowing that people can’t wait until your kid is gone so that they don’t have to deal with their allergies anymore.

Recognizing and Treating Anaphylaxis is Key

While prevention and avoidance strategies are very important, being able to recognize and treat an anaphylactic reaction are essential. Anaphylaxis is treatable and deaths are preventable. Nobody can guarantee an “allergen-free” environment therefore we must work to educate our communities so that in the event of an emergency action can be taken and lives can be saved.

I’m afraid of the dark but probably not for reasons that you might think. Sometimes the dark digs down and awakens a fear in me. It is the worst kind of fear, but one­ that I know very well. Every once in a while, there is a monster that comes out at night at our house. Only once the house is quiet and it’s deep, dark night does this monster rear its head. The monster is croup and around here we know him well.

You see, croup has caused us more than our fair share of worry. What is normally a harmless childhood illness has sent us to the hospital more times than I can count. It has resulted in a 911 call and an ambulance at our house – also more times than I can count. And one summer night, it almost took the life of my little ray of sunshine, Son-F; that monster did it’s best to steal every last breath from him. To this day – more than two years later – every siren I hear, every ambulance and fire truck we pass by on the street, reminds me of that night.

The signs are very subtle. Mr. Family Nature and I just know when it’s coming. It’s hard to describe, it’s the way he breathes, the slightest hoarseness to his voice and just a feeling that we get when we know it’s going to be a long night. It’s virtually impossible for a doctor to detect during the day but despite how subtle the symptoms, to us they are unmistakable. We know.

On those nights when we know it’s coming, we do our best to prepare and then we wait. We have our tools and tricks to keep the monster at bay. If we think it’s going to be a particularly bad night we lay out clothes, pack a hospital bag and make sure the phone is close by so that if we need to, we can be out the door quickly. They we go to bed. We fall asleep with difficulty, as we listen for every little peep in the night.

Someone stirs, I am jolted awake. A cough gives me butterflies. I hear that croupy, barky, stridor sound and my stomach lurches. I struggle to keep calm. I have to tell myself to breathe deeply; to relax my muscles; to stop clenching my teeth. We do everything we can to fight the monster and we pray for morning. I am never so happy to see sunlight. Once the morning comes, the monster is gone until next time, when he comes again in the night.

Photo by hradcanska via flickr.

Sometimes I feel like I spend a great deal of my time apologizing and making excuses. I apologize to various people for things like not returning phone calls, not answering emails, not filing my taxes on time, not getting errands done when I should, not spending enough time with my kids, etc. The list goes on. Then I make excuses: the kids, the family, a busy life; they’re all variations on the same theme; I’m a busy mum with four kids.

I was talking to another mum of four one day and she said, “It’s really busy. Stuff just doesn’t get done, and it’s important stuff.” I know exactly what she means. I have a lot of balls in the air and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon.

You know how once you become a parent, you feel like it’s impossible to describe it to a non-parent? I feel the same way about siblings – how wonderful and amazing is it to have more than one child and to see the interaction and love between siblings – there’s no way I could explain it to someone and do it justice. I also feel the same way about having a big family. It’s really quite different than having one or two kids. Managing all the different stages, the emotions and the needs of everyone, it’s not that easy to explain. I don’t really expect most people to understand.

Yet at the same time, I find myself trying to explain to people why I have let them down, why I haven’t gotten back to them sooner, or why I’m behind on something. Trying to justify my time to people. “I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your email, I’ve just been so busy!” sounds lame at best. “We just started at a new school, I had a migraine yesterday, Mr. Family Nature is so busy at work right now, the kids are sick” and more. I have a tonne of excuses and they’re all true but I hate the idea of ‘blaming’ my kids and/or family for everything — for what I think people perceive as my failings.

At times when I’m on the computer trying to answer those emails, I’m feeling guilty because I’m not hanging out with the kids. When I’m hanging out with the kids I’m thinking about the laundry and housework that needs to be done. When I’m on the phone I’m shushing the kids. When I’m doing the housework I’m thinking about all the other things I’m not doing.

Am I making my life sound miserable? Reading this one might think that I don’t like my life – which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love my life! I’m doing what I always wanted to do. Is it busy and hectic? Absolutely. Do I have any regrets? No way.

I willingly admit that I need to work on being more organized and managing my time better. Perhaps I also need to work on managing other people’s expectations.

Photo by jonnyphoto via flickr.