Facebook Strikes Again

Don’t get me wrong. I love Facebook. But every once in a while, I am reminded that it can be a pain in the ass – kind of like the feeling of 10 feet up my ass, to tell you the truth.

Recently my Facebook status read, “The nice thing about Facebook is that old friends from 25 years ago can find you. The bad thing about Facebook is that old friends from 25 years ago can find you. Good thing they can be gone as quickly as they came.”

Here’s why: a couple of weeks ago I was the target of a Facebook attack. It’s not the first time this has happened. Both times it was as a result of a link I’d posted. Most recently, it was a link to an article written by Dr. James McKenna on the Mother-Baby Behavioural Sleep Laboratory website about the long-term effects of bed-sharing.

Well, one of my newly added Facebook “friends” took issue with this link and a bit of a back-and-forth ensued. This woman is someone I knew for a few years about 25 years ago. It is someone I never thought I’d hear from again, but alas, she popped up as a friend request a few days before this incident. Needless to say, we are no longer Facebook friends.

I had to restrain myself. I mean really restrain myself from posting the entire exchange here. It was actually really funny. She spewed these long, ranting, stream-of-consciousness comments all with a clear message: co-sleeping bad. I responded a couple of times – trying really hard to do so in a respectful way, without name calling or attacking – but I soon realized that it was pointless. She had her view and she was not willing to have any sort of intelligent debate about it. So I just stopped. I told her she was insane and I asked her not to contact me again.

I wish she could have seen all the comments before I defriended her. There were more than 50 comments in all; my real friends spoke up in support. There were also endless jokes about sex, poutine, cupcakes and me going to bed with feet up my ass. If nothing else, I should thank this old “friend” for the entertainment value we all got out of it.

Instead of posting the whole ridiculous back and forth, I’ve chosen just a few gems to share with you here:

(As a side note, I was trying to find the rules around using the term sic when there are multiple errors and I couldn’t find any. Everything I read said that you should use the term after each error. If I had done that I would have used the word so many times it would have been ridiculous. I’ll just take this opportunity to say that these are direct quotes from my “friend”, all the spelling errors and grammar atrocities are hers.)

“How old are the children? How’s your sex life?”

“Maybe you should take a look at what needs of yours your tring to fill…How do you feel about nursing babies past the age of 2?”

“When do you draw the line..Imagine your 12 yr still wanting to sleep with mommy and daddy because that’s all they know..Trust me Independence is the key!”

“Numerous health conditions, in regards to anyone in life, under many circumstances, shows that people who don’t get a proper sleep can become sleep deprived which can cause heath issue’s”

“Breast is best..But again I’ve seen many woman breast feed at 3 and on..who’s needs are those..Most of society weans their babies as far as 2, and that is perfectly acceptable.(by the way children are certainly already bonded with you!).Mothers who nurse past this age have the excuse oh the breast milk is the best thing for children..Absolutely.. I agree with that…SO PUMP IT OUT!”

“Are your kids allowed to get dirty at the park?”

“What happens when your kids hit teenage years and you yell at them..which will happen guaranteed, are your children going to call the cops on you for yelling..You see parents in this day and age have all the power taken away from them.”

“I’m sure your kids are going to turn out just like you..Scary!If I am such in the wrong about the topic, why is there so much literature out there opposing co-sleeping…Boy have you got a lot to learn…”

“why am I insane because i don’t agree! that does not make me insane, in fact you look like the crazy one, you can’t handle a little constructive criticism”

“Your the insane one to allow 10 feet up your ass, every-night”

“I didn’t have 2 be like this if your hormones weren’t so out of control”

Um, hello. UNFRIEND.

Y’all know my motto, right? Living the family life that comes naturally to me. I know it doesn’t work for everyone. I know that not everyone would make the same choices. I am doing what I’m doing because I think it’s best for my family. I would never, ever say that co-sleeping is for everyone, because it just isn’t. I believe, in theory, that babies belong with their parents. I believe, wholeheartedly and without any doubt, that my babies belong with me. But I can also accept that there are many people who don’t co-sleep for good reasons; I’m cool with that.

I also think there are all kinds of variations of co-sleeping: side car, crib in the same room, co-sleeping with siblings, etc. There are also people who co-sleep when there is a special need. Here’s what one of my real friends, Rhondda, had to say:

“I also like his [Dr. McKenna’s] air quotes around “never” co-slept. Many children who did not regularly bed-share with parents (or whatever words you want to use) still have had experiences of sharing sleep or bed with a parent – during illness, coming into parent’s bed after a bad dream, parent falling asleep putting child to bed, etc. My own parents definitely didn’t consciously choose to co-sleep (that would have been interesting – there were 6 kids), but I have many lovely comforting memories of being in my parent’s bed with them.”

People do what works for them. The most important point, I think, is that we continue to meet the needs of our children 24 hours a day.

So, I couldn’t really care less what this “friend” does with her children. The thing that bugged me is that she was someone from my very distant past, who popped up out of nowhere and tried to tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, or somehow harmful. No thanks.

There are some people who devote a lot of time debating different parenting issues. People get all bent out of shape and offended. Others are passionate about spreading the word about co-sleeping, breastfeeding and other hot-button issues. I have nothing but respect for these people. Me? No thanks. I mostly stay out of it. But know this peeps: Disagree with me? Sure. Respectfully tell me what you do and why it works for you? Okay. BUT, if you’re going to tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, or that I shouldn’t be doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, I’ll probably just tell you to fuck off. Then I’ll unfriend you. Then I’ll happily go off to sleep with 10 feet up my ass.

… and the Things that Don’t (Part 2)

When it comes to parenting, there are the things that come naturally. Then, there are a few things that don’t. One thing I find particularly tricky sometimes and positive discipline. It’s not that I think that positive discipline doesn’t come naturally, I think it does. It’s logical and feels like the right thing to do; I guess it just doesn’t always come easily.

Breastfeeding, babywearing and co-sleeping, these things come easily. Oh I know, they each come with their own challenges but what I mean is that they never make me feel at odds with my emotions. Discipline, on the other hand, becomes hard when my own emotions are out of control: when I’m angry, when I’m frustrated or when I’m just at my wit’s end. It’s hard to think straight with a hysterical kid (or two, or four!)

I think about discipline all the time because I find it’s one of those things that sounds great in theory, but can be difficult to put into practice: discipline, positive discipline, consequences vs. punishment, using my power (as a parent; as a larger person) to make my kids do what I want vs. teaching them the right thing to do.

Here are my thoughts on positive discipline with a disclaimer: this is what I do in ideal situations; this is what I think about when all the kids are sleeping:

I don’t spank.

For the longest time I’d hear AP types say that time outs aren’t great; that ‘time ins’ are better. I’d always think “what the hell is a time in!” or I’d think “well, they can use time ins for their kids but I don’t want unruly kids!” Of course I realize now these statements are silly. I think a lot of people confuse positive discipline with NO discipline. I didn’t relay get it (why time outs might not be so great) until I read Barbara Coloroso’s Kids are Worth it. And then I totally got it – it was like a light bulb going off. Then the challenge became: now what do I do?

I use time-outs when I need a time out (when I’ve lost my temper and am so mad that I don’t know what to do; or when I just need to cool off) or when I need to restore calm when everyone is screaming/crying: you go sit on that chair, you go to your room, you go sit on the stairs; then I can talk to each one without another kid interrupting. I’m not really crazy about time outs – honestly I’m not, but I find most parenting books that are against time outs don’t really have any ideas; or at least not ideas that I like or that work for me. So I use them as a last resort. I don’t think time-outs are the worst thing in the world, for sure; and I certainly wouldn’t say that they are necessarily damaging, I just think that they don’t really make all that much sense, they don’t really work, and there are better ways.

A note about time outs as a punishment for temper tantrums: it has been my experience that when my kids are hysterical a time out is the worst thing I can do for them. They are not able to ‘think about what they’ve done’, all they know is that they are having a time out and they will do or say anything to get out of it – and what does this accomplish? It accomplishes nothing as far as I’m concerned.

Son-S (he’s three) in particular used to have (and still has sometimes) crazy temper tantrums and I found the best way to deal with them hands-down is to pick him up, give him a hug, console him and help him calm down. There is no way I could talk to him, reason with him or otherwise teach him anything when his is hysterical. I truly believe that when kids are having tantrums it is an awful feeling for them. They don’t want to have a tantrum. They aren’t manipulating their parents. They honestly and truly lack the skills to deal with their emotions and what they need most is our help. I really think that they can’t help themselves.

When I’m having a hard time with one of the kids, I try not to make threats that are strictly punitive. So I don’t say “Either put your shoes on or I’ll take away your favourite toy.” A favourite toy has nothing to do with putting shoes on. I will say something like “If you don’t put your shoes on, we can’t go to the park” because these two are directly related and we literally cannot go to the park if kids aren’t wearing shoes.

I hate threats and I don’t ever threaten any punishment that will affect the other kids “Do XXXX or we’re going home right now!” or “We’re not going to come to Grandma’s house anymore if you can’t behave” Of course we’re going to come to Grandma’s house again – this kind of punishment drives me crazy! Besides, these types of punishments would punish me and the other kids too. The only time I make exceptions is when safety becomes an issue: “if you keep running into the parking lot we’re not going to be able to come to this park anymore because it’s not safe.”

I also don’t believe in taking toys/TV/games away as a punishment. I honestly don’t believe this works. When a kid is sad because they’ve lost their favourite toy, hours or even days after the initial punishment, I don’t think they really make the connection between it and whatever they did to be punished, know what I mean? They don’t stop and think in the heat of the moment “oh, I’d better not hit my brother because last time I lost TV for 2 days and I felt really sad about it” No WAY are they thinking that! And even if they were, this kind of punishment is teaching them “oh I’d better not hit my brother because I will lose my TV privileges” instead of “I shouldn’t hit my brother because it is wrong and it hurts him.” Again the only exception is if, for example, someone is using a hockey stick to hit another kid. I would take the hockey stick away if they continued to hit but in my mind this is a consequence, not a punishment.

Another example (this happened recently) is this: Son-S spilled dry cereal all over the floor and was stepping on it with his bare feet making a huge mess. I kept my cool and just told him that he had to clean it up. As far as I’m concerned there is no point in yelling at him, or sending him to his room; he is dealing with the direct consequences of his actions: he is cleaning up the mess he has made.

I try (and sometimes this is really hard) to give the kids leeway when I can. They want to wear socks and shoes on the hottest day of the summer (instead of sandals), well, who cares? They want to grow their hair, get a mohawk, wear their clothes inside out, whatever – I really like to let them have little victories sometimes. So when they ask me something and my immediate response is “no”, I have to stop and think about why I am saying no. If I can’t really think of a good reason to say no, then I say yes.

I try to talk to the kids about why. Why shouldn’t they hit their brothers/sister, why can’t they eat candy all day, why can’t they watch TV all day, why don’t I like talking back/sauciness (and how people think differently of me and them when they hear them talking like this). I find this is often the best way of getting through to them – much more effective than some arbitrary punishment!

I guess I just don’t think that anything punitive really makes much sense. I think this way of thinking comes from a time when kids “speak when spoken to” and do what they’re told “because I said so”. These things are about control and fear. I want my kids to learn not be controlled.

These are things that I am constantly working on. Mr. Family Nature and I regularly talk about discipline and strategies to help us control our anger. One tip we learned was to take the blame out of the situation. If you remove blame (blaming the kids, blaming the parents, whatever) then you’re left with a teaching situation, rather than a situation in which you are trying to control behaviour or impose power.

Another tip that I try to remember (even in the heat of the moment) is that if we can take anger out of a situation … wait, that’s not quite right. It’s okay to be angry but it’s also important to recognize that you are angry and make a conscious effort NOT to make any decisions based on anger. I think spanking is done out of anger, a parent’s own anger. Does is actually prevent or correct behaviour? No, I think it’s been proven again and again that it doesn’t work.

I think about this a lot. I wish I could practice what I preach every time – I don’t always. There are many, many times at the end of the day, when I reflect on what an utter failure I’ve been that day because almost all of my discipline ideals went out the window. This is all good theory but it’s not always easy to put into practice. So these are my discipline ideals and what I’m always working toward. I do yell, I do get angry, I do use time-outs sometimes but I’m always thinking and striving to be better.

The Things that Come Naturally (Part 1)

The vast majority of parenting choices my husband and I make come from our gut. They feel natural to us. Indeed, this is what the name Family Nature means to me; when it comes to our family and our parenting style we do what comes naturally to us. I think of this as our family nature.

Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t easy initially with my first, but we eventually figured it out and never looked back. In the past (almost) nine years I have been either pregnant, breastfeeding (sometimes tandem breastfeeding) or both. There were times when it wasn’t fun but I never regretted breastfeeding. In fact, when I look back to my eldest’s first eight weeks it is a complete blur; I honestly and truly do not know how we all managed but I know one thing for sure: I am so unbelievably glad that I didn’t quit. I know for certain that it was the right, and most natural thing to do. Even without all the research and statistics about breastfeeding I knew that it was the best for both me and the babes.

The next thing that fell into place was co-sleeping. As an anthropology student I had heard of Dr. James McKenna long before I had kids. My husband also knew all about co-sleeping before any of our kids were born. So sure enough, when the first babe came along, it just seemed natural to have him sleep with us. I couldn’t even imagine the thought of him in another room; it just seemed so backwards and wrong. My instincts and my gut told me that he should be with us and they were right. I think co-sleeping is one of those secrets of parenthood – lots of people do it, not everybody admits it, but those who do it love it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up to gurgley coos and lopsided smiles. There is an absolute comfort that comes with a sleeping babe beside me; the sound of his breath like a lullaby to put me to sleep, the warmth of his body like a little furnace keeping us warm and the baby smell of him making me feel high. I know in my heart and in my my soul that my babies belong beside me at night.

I didn’t get the hang of babywearing for a few months but I think that it’s just another one of those things that naturally fell into place. My babies (and toddlers) were all so easily comforted in a carrier. They could be close as I did chores around the house, walked the older kids to school or picked up groceries. They nursed contently and had all of their need met so easily and naturally right there attached to me.

Other things also fell into place. I have done my fair share of reading but in the end it usually just confirmed the things that we were already doing. I learned pretty quickly that although there are some really awesome parenting experts and resources out there, there are also a lot of people with opinions and ‘advice’ that seemed so outrageous to me; just because you have a parenting book with your name on the cover that does not make you a parenting ‘expert’. I read something recently on The Happiest Mom blog that summed it up nicely. In her post the mother you need to be Meagan Francis writes, “I no longer even look at books or websites that seem completely at odds with what I believe in my heart to be true about myself and my children.” I read this nodding furiously. Yes! I think we rely too heavily on the advice of paediatricians, parenting ‘experts’, books and such for things that our own hearts and minds will tell us if we just listen.

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing –some say these are the hallmarks of attachment parenting. To me these are the simple, normal ways of parenting. These things come naturally to me and I’ve never second-guessed myself about these things. I just wish all aspects of parenting were this simple.

How to Know when You’re Done Having Kids

My baby will be 2 next month. I was thinking recently how the end is in sight to diapers, breastfeeding and co-sleeping (although, given the chance our almost-eight-year old would still *love* to sleep with us, and sneaks in when he can; so I don’t really expect co-sleeping to come to an end soon, but it will change when the baby starts going to sleep with one of her brothers).

With my fourth and last c-section, I had a tubal ligation. I have been pondering the fact that I can’t have any more children for the last two years. Mr. Family Nature and I thought that we’d have more than four kids (ahem, that was before we had kids, but anyway). After our third was born, while I was still lying on the operating table being sewn up, the OB leaned over the curtain and said to me, “I strongly advise against future pregnancies”.  I was heartbroken. We decided to have one more baby anyway.

With all the baggage that comes along with c-sections – physical and emotional – I knew while I was pregnant with my fourth that it would be our last. I just could not do it again.

I have found myself wondering from time to time, if we would have had another baby if circumstances had been different; if I’d had the natural births that I had wanted so badly to have. I’m not sure of the answer. We are quite content with our family of six; to us it seems perfect, but still….

When the baby was around a year old I started thinking about another baby because that was the age the other kids were when I started thinking about the next baby. I asked my husband if he would have another if we could and he said, “Woman! Are you crazy? We can barely handle the four we have now!” This in a loving, joking (but not quite joking) kind of way. Yes, yes, of course; our lives are pretty busy with four but I guess I was mourning a little the fact that there would not be any more babies in our house. Still, I told my husband that if we could, I’d have another in a second – and I absolutely would have at the time. The next day my husband said to me, “You know what? I’d do it in a second too.” I guess we’re both suckers for babies.

At the end of last week I was thinking that I was late. You know, late. Truth be told, I don’t really keep track of my cycle like I used to now that we don’t have to worry about birth control anymore. So I just figured that I had my dates wrong and tried to push it to the back of my mind. It kept nagging me though. And then I was thinking about how I hadn’t been feeling quite right for a couple of days. I told myself that I was being ridiculous! I had a tubal ligation, for crying out loud! So I searched the internet for tubal ligation effectiveness, looking for reassurance. Depending on what you read, the failure rate is as high as 2%. What‽ TWO percent‽ (I realize that even 2% is very low, but I was feeling very irrational at the time). And then I started feeling sicker … and sicker. OMG, what if I’m pregnant‽

Then I basically started freaking out. OMG, I don’t want to be pregnant! I cannot have another c-section! I cannot have another baby! I’ve given away all my baby stuff! How in the world will we manage‽

Then came the guilt. OMG, what if I am pregnant? Of course I would want the baby! Of course I would love the baby! Of course the baby would be the biggest, best, surprise I’ve ever had! *sigh* Have I mentioned before that motherhood makes you crazy?

Sooo anyway … I’m not pregnant.

My husband and I sat down with friends, I had a nice big glass of wine and we laughed over how silly I was.

And I thought about how four is perfect. I wouldn’t change things, even if I could.

From C-Sections to Twitter to Facebook to Hate Mail

It was bound to happen: I received my very first piece of hate mail. Yes siree, delivered via Facebook from a ‘friend’. A rambling message with horrible grammar to boot (which just made it that much more unpleasant to read), spewing insults and untruths – all directed at my blog and me. I can’t say that I wasn’t offended. I tried not to be, but I was.

It all started when I Re-Tweeted three of @babyREADY’s blog posts. Sam from babyREADY did a three part series commenting on a three part series in The Ottawa Citizen about c-sections: Why there are so many, how c-sections interfere with mother-baby bonding, and changing the c-section trend. babyREADY commented on the three articles here, here and here. Anyone who knows me or reads my blog regularly knows that this a topic close to my heart.

Anyway, what started as comments on my Facebook status, which were bad enough, continued with a personal message to my Facebook inbox. To sum it up she wrote that women who’ve had c-sections should “just get on with their lives and let it go” and that I have “no right to complain” about how my kids were born because they “are all around [me]”; the implication being that if my children are alive that I just better shut-up and be happy about it. She went on to write that I have a “real victim mentality,” that I somehow attack women who’ve had unnecessary c-sections, and that my blog “screams” that the world is out to get women who don’t “NIP [nurse in public], co-sleep, so on and so forth.”

She wrapped it up oh so nicely by writing that people like babyREADY and me, who write about these issues are “hysteria-mongers who succeed in making people feel guilty about their own choices/experiences.” Then she called me “self-righteous and indignant.”

But on the bright side, she believes that I “mean well.” Oh gee. Thanks.

Whatever.

I was telling a couple of friends about it and one said, “I guess that comes with being a celebrity blogger. People think they know you.” Well, I don’t know if I’ve quite reached celebrity blogger status yet…but at least I know people are reading.

Photo by sardonicasshole via flickr.

Lowering Expectations about Babies and Sleep

There’s been some talk recently about CIO or cry-it-out on some blogs that I read; Phd in Parenting and Metropolitan Mama are just two of many.  I’ve been sitting here biting my tongue.  I never meant for this blog to be provocative or controversial.  I’m not writing to start some great debate.  But there is something nagging me about this issue.

As much as I love comments on my blog, I don’t really want to read comment about why people choose CIO.  Seriously.  I don’t.  I don’t use CIO and I never will.  No amount of “well, I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but it worked!” comments are going to change the way I feel about it.  Of course it worked.  Beating my kids to make them sleep through the night would probably work too but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.  Now people, don’t get your knickers in a knot, I’m NOT saying that CIO is the same as beating your kids.  I’m not.  I’m simply making the point that there are probably tonnes of ways to get someone to do something they don’t want to do; but just because it works doesn’t mean that we should do it and it certainly doesn’t make it right.

I’ve been tired.  I am tired.  I have four kids that are pretty close in age; when the youngest was born my oldest wasn’t quite 6 yet.  I’ve dealt with sick kids, sleepless nights and marathon nursers.  There have been many, many times when I was home alone putting four young kids to bed.  I get it.  I know people are tired.  I know what sleep deprivation is.  I’ve been frustrated about sleep.  I’d still never use CIO.

But the thing nagging me the most is this: why do we (as in, our society) think that babies should sleep through the night?  That sleeping through the night is the norm?  It’s really, really great if you have a baby that sleeps through the night on their own without CIO but babies like this are the exception, not the rule.  Our standards are way too high.

With four young kids people ask me all the time, “How do you do it?”  I often answer, “I’ve lowered my standards.”  People usually laugh but it’s true!  My expectations are much lower than they used to be.  I know that my kids are going to do things even after I’ve told them a hundred times not to.  I know that my kids haven’t quite mastered impulse control.  I know that my kids – all of them, even my seven year old – are still going to need me at night sometimes.  As they get older, they need less and less attention at night but they all need it sometimes.  I know this and I expect it.  Somehow knowing that it is normal makes it easier to manage, even from the groggy depths of sleep deprivation.

There are lots of resources out there that explain why babies don’t sleep through the night and why they need us at night.  Dr. James McKenna, Dr Sears and Kelly Mom are just a few.  These links will lead you to more.

Instead of fretting, arguing and debating night waking – something that is normal and should be expected – I choose to focus on coping.  All parents probably need more sleep and at some point or another will have to cope with sleep deprivation.  I’ll leave you with some of the things that have helped me get through:

• Eat right and take vitamins (if you think you need them). When I’m giving my body what it needs it just makes it easier to cope with anything!
• Fresh air and sunshine. We all need this, but it’s often overlooked.  Even on the coldest of days, bundle up and get out, even if it’s just for 10 minutes.
• Caffeine. I know, I know, probably not the best way to deal with it but it helps me.  Even a nice hot cup of herbal tea can do the trick.
• Talk to like-minded parents. Commiserating and knowing that it’s normal for babies to wake in the night can be comforting.
• Exercise. For you and for the kids!  It helps all of us sleep better and gives us more energy.
• A catnap or quiet time. On days when I’m feeling totally desperate, when the babies are sleeping I’ll put on a movie for the older kids and cuddle up with them on the couch.  Even if I don’t actually get to sleep, putting my feet up and relaxing for even ten minutes has saved the day for me many times.
• Ask for help. Something most of us don’t do often enough.  Ask family or friends to help.  Swap kids with another mum: they take your kids one afternoon and you take theirs another.  Ask Grandpa to come over and take the kids to the park.  Hire a mother’s helper or babysitter to come over for a couple of hours in the afternoon.  Tap into your resources – whatever they are.
• Go to bed early. Go to bed with the kids.

What are your secrets for coping with sleep deprivation?  Comment below and share them!

Photo from DanielJames via flickr.

The Sweetness of Co-sleeping

How sweet is this?  I snapped this picture last night, and I have others like it.  This to me is the beauty of co-sleeping.

From day one our babies have slept with us.  Co-sleeping has seen us through breastfeeding troubles, sickness, loneliness, nightmares and cold nights.  There are no single beds in our house, only doubles or bigger.  Even as the kids have gotten older they’ve had their siblings to sleep with.  Sometimes the kids want to fall asleep in our bed.  Later, when it’s time for my husband and me to go to bed we move them to their beds (it’s a bit like musical beds around here!).

So last night my two oldest fell asleep in our bed and then when the baby fell asleep later I put her with them.  When I went to go to bed, this is what I saw. 

Usually when the baby goes to sleep she is in our bed by herself for a few hours before my husband and I go to bed.  It’s normal for her to wake up once or even twice before I come to bed; I go in and nurse her back to sleep.  If one or more of her brothers are there to cuddle with, she doesn’t need me as much.  Sometimes I can hear her moving around and when I go and check on her, she’s snuggled herself up against another little body, much like she did last night.  I love that they comfort one another, even in their sleep.